A Break From the Chaos

Faith Family Home

disability ministry

Is your Church Disabled? Disability and the Church

How welcoming is your church to people with additional needs? In this post we’ll talk about some ways your church can become better at embracing those living with disability.

Easy Like… Sunday morning?!

Sunday mornings are hectic in our house. It’s weird to me how I can get everyone out of the house in time for school on weekdays, but something about getting to church Sunday mornings just throws me for a loop. I know this is the story for most families with young kids. However, for those of us who have a child living with disability, it can be so much harder.

Emotionally, being at church is always stressful. At school, I know the twins are in a class with other kids like them. My guys can’t throw a behavior at those teachers that they’ve never seen before because they’ve seen it all. But at church, the twins are the exception rather than the norm, and I worry about whether today will be the day our volunteers throw in the towel. We’re blessed that our boys behave relatively well overall, and so far, our volunteers genuinely enjoy their time together.

The Body of Christ

If you’ve been in church for any amount of time in your life, you quickly become familiar with the body of Christ that Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians 12. The body has many parts, we can’t all be an ear, everyone has a different role to play, yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it before. But the part we tend to gloss over is the one that needs the most attention. Verse 22 says, “On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable”. And verse 24 tells us that God honors the parts of the body that are lacking.

Families of people with disabilities are often the very picture of weakness and brokenness. Even those that are unfailingly joyful all the time experience brokenness. So then are these broken people somehow less in the eyes of the Lord? Absolutely not! In fact, we could infer from these verses that they are actually honored by God. These weak ones, those that “lack”, they are indispensable to the body. It cannot function without them.

But the issue comes when we try to put faith into practice here. So often, families with disabilities are relegated to the outskirts of the very body of Christ that is supposed to nurture them. What’s more, oftentimes these precious ones are made to feel like they are to be grateful that they are allowed to be there at all. A life lived with disability is an isolated one. Many families are cut off from their friends and extended family because their lives are just so different. They spend their lives on the outside looking in, hoping for someone to notice that they’re there and still have something valuable to contribute.

Disability Statistics

Most church leadership teams would agree that people with disabilities “should be in church”. OK, great, that’s the first step. But where the disagreements occur is, “but where?” Pastor, I am here to tell you, your church is where they belong. Every church is where they belong. And before you start arguing about how your church isn’t equipped to handle “this sort of thing”, I’m here to drop some statistics on you.

According to the Census Bureau, 12.6% of the American population identify themselves as disabled. This does not count children under 5 or people in institutions like mental hospitals or nursing homes. “Disabled” covers a broad range of conditions, be it physical impairment, mental illness, behavioral disorders, or neurological conditions. Of that 12.6%, more than 50% are unchurched. I’m sure some of those folks have no desire to be in church, but that’s not really the point, is it? The point is, it’s time for churches to stop seeing disability as “uncommon” or “not the norm”. When you’re talking those kinds of numbers, it’s time to start normalizing disability in our churches.

As you can tell, this is where I get a little hot under the collar. Somewhere along the line, we’ve failed our pastors. I don’t know if it’s at the seminary level, or at the denominational level, but somehow pastors are going through all the extensive training necessary to become ordained and never once do they hear these numbers. As a result, there’s a whole demographic of people being completely overlooked on a regular basis, and I’m sorry, they are still your responsibility, even though you don’t see them. So part of my mission is to educate church leadership because honestly, many of them don’t even know that there’s an issue here.

This is hard stuff

The other part of my mission is to help churches once they’ve had their eyes opened to this vast mission field right in their back yards. Often once a church realizes that “hey, we have a responsibility to these people”, there’s an immediate panic, because “what do we do? We’re not trained to deal with this!” The knee-jerk response is often to look to other churches, usually larger ones with more resources, and say, “Well, that church is doing a great job, so when a family we can’t handle wants to come to our church, we’ll just send them down the road to First Baptist Hugeplace and everyone is happy.”

I’m going to say this as gently as I can. That is not a referral, that is a rejection. It is also not your place to tell a family that God could not have called them to your church simply because they live with disabilities. And as we discussed earlier, people with disabilities belong in every church. Your church body is disabled when it exists without the disabled.

I know I’ve kind of zeroed in on church leadership here and am using some pretty confrontational language. It’s not my intent to make anyone angry or to make them feel like they’re purposefully shutting disability out of their church. My experience is that most church leadership is coming from a place of ignorance, in the sense that they simply do not know the facts. My intent is to get their attention in an effort to exact some necessary changes. School districts have been practicing inclusion for decades, and the church is woefully behind in following suit. We have so much ground to make up and not much time to do it in.

So now what?

So now that I’ve made everyone mad, what are we going to do about it? I’m glad you asked! First things first, before you do anything, pray and ask God to show you how your church can minister in its own way to those affected by disability. Like I’ve said before, the question isn’t “if”, the question is “how”. Depending on your church culture right now, there may be some groundwork that needs to be laid before you’re able to implement something ongoing.

You may or may not be aware, but the chances are there’s already someone in your congregation that needs ministering to in this way. A good place to start looking is in your children’s ministry. Autism affects one out of every 58 children, and that ratio is even smaller for boys. You may have a child with autism already integrated into your children’s ministry. The same for kids with ADHD. You’d probably be surprised at the number of parents who have children with some kind of diagnosis who would be thrilled if you asked them if there was a way you could make church easier for them and their children. These parents are often beyond stressed and overwhelmed with everyday life. The church coming alongside them and reaching out to help make Sunday mornings better for their family would be an incredible thing.

Guardian Angels

Please don’t assume that because a family shows up on a Sunday morning, everything is fine and they don’t need help. If you suspect there is a child with a disability, your first support might need to be for that child’s Sunday School teacher. Is there a person who would be willing to volunteer to be a “guardian angel”? In my ministry model, guardian angels are volunteers assigned to a Sunday School class whose purpose is to keep an eye on a challenging kiddo and intervene when necessary. This can be a good intervention for kids who function at higher levels but might need some prompting to pay attention or to settle down. It’s not as intensive as the buddy programs you hear about in some churches, but can still be helpful to a Sunday School teacher who feels a bit overwhelmed. It also means that the child is less likely to be singled out as “disabled” or “special needs”.

Date Night

Another way to minister to these families is to provide a respite event. These respite events often happen on a Friday night, when parents with young children can bring their kids to church and leave them for a few hours while they go out on a date. You’ll find that these respite events have a ripple effect for the families that participate. Giving these parents a chance to talk to each other, or just be together without the constant demands of caring for their children, is so valuable and necessary to strengthen their marriages. The great thing about respite events, or “Date Night”, is that all sorts of families can participate, not just the ones living with disability. It’s a terrific ministry for the church in general and shows that you’re placing a high priority on strong marriages.

A word of advice for respite nights. If you know there is a child with a disability attending, you should provide a 1:1 volunteer for that child to ensure there is adequate supervision. The last thing you need is an autistic child who is a runner (and I would say that you need to assume that every autistic child is a runner until you get to know them better) suddenly disappearing from the church building. Your volunteers can take shifts if they need to, switching off every hour, but ideally, one person should be with that child for the duration.

Wrapping it up

I know I’ve been tough here. Church leadership is in a constant state of people demanding “more” from them. More money, more programs, more this, more that. Believe me, my dad is a pastor, and it never stops. But somehow, families living with disability have not only ceased to be a priority, they’ve fallen off the radar altogether. All I’m asking is that you prayerfully consider how best to start ministering to these dear ones who spend their lives in the margins. Hopefully, I’ve given you some ideas to at least start the discussion. If you need more help, please check my Resources page. There are plenty of organizations out there who would love to come alongside you as you begin this venture. You will be blessed, I promise!

Special Needs Ministry: 4 Things Any Church Can Do

Hi, again!  Today I’m pulling out some material that I went over in my very first (and only!) Facebook Live. I’d like to talk about some things I think any church can do that don’t require very much in the way of financial resources or personnel in order to be more accommodating to special needs families.

Church culture in today’s society

A lot of church folks are unaware of how drastically the culture is shifting in regards to special needs folks.  I’m not just talking about autism, although that is fast becoming the highest per capita disability in our country with a ratio somewhere around 1 in 59 children being diagnosed with some form of ASD.  And I’m not just talking about children’s ministry, although that’s where I tend to focus because that’s my wheelhouse right now. As of 2017, 12.6% of the American population is reported to have some sort of disability, and that’s not counting people in institutions like nursing homes or mental hospitals, or children under the age of 5.  Crash and Speedy would not be included in those numbers, or any of the children in special needs Pre-K programs across the country. But for some reason, churches still seem to think that individuals with special needs are the exception rather than the norm, and with a percentage as high as 12.6%, I’d say that it’s time to normalize disability in our churches.

Time to step up

So with that in mind, I wanted to share 4 things that I think any church can do to make themselves more accessible to families with special needs.  By accessible, I’m not necessarily talking about wheelchair ramps and elevators, although that’s important, but more along the lines of accommodating and welcoming to the entire family.  

Address your philosophy concerning special needs families directly on your website  

One of the first things a prospective special needs family is going to do is check the website to see what is already in place for their family member.  If you have an established ministry/policy/philosophy/thingy in place, make it obvious. When looking to visit a church in the past, that’s the first thing we’d do, and if there was nothing on the website, we didn’t go there.  Not only were we unsure if the church would know how to handle our particular circus, but we also couldn’t be sure we’d even be welcome there. And no, that’s not overly dramatic of us. We’re fortunate that our guys are relatively compliant and aren’t terribly prone to meltdowns, but not everyone is that lucky.  There are stigmas that accompany autism no matter what we do, and churches exist that will- and have- told us, “No, we don’t have a ministry like that. Try Thus-and-such Church down the street.” Translated: “We can’t handle/don’t want you here. Go somewhere else.” Church leadership, hear me. That is a monumental rejection, not a recommendation.  If you don’t have a special needs policy addressed on your website, that needs to be a priority. Prayerfully consider what you would say and do if and when a family with special needs comes to your church. Think about that 12.5% of the American population and ask yourself if they are a people group you are responsible for reaching. The answer is yes, you are.  

Have a predetermined “quiet space” for sensory breaks

At larger churches with well-established special needs ministries for children, it’s common to see large, well-planned sensory rooms, probably assembled with the help of an occupational therapist.  That’s great and very helpful, but smaller churches don’t need to think that these kinds of rooms are the only way to get an over-stimulated child to regulate. Often, a quiet, dim place away from all the chaos of Sunday School or the noise of worship is all they need.  An unused Sunday School classroom, the empty fellowship hall, and even a quiet alcove near the church office will work. Frequently, the child comes with a favorite item that helps calm them, but having a small bin of sensory items that can be moved from place to place would still be a good idea.  Play-doh, silly putty, stress balls, a fidget cube…These are all things that are easy to find and relatively inexpensive. A yoga ball is generally a very regulating item if you have somewhere to keep it. If it is ok with the parents, take them out to an empty playground. The important thing is to have a plan.  Which brings me to the next point.

Designate one or two volunteers to be “on call” for Sunday School

Especially on the first Sunday, it’s important to have someone designated to keep an eye on the visiting child.  This is especially important if the child is ASD. Ask the parents if they would like their child to have a buddy to hang out with during Sunday School.  The buddy should be old enough to be responsible for a child younger than they are and be able to recognize some of the signs of when the child becomes over-stimulated.  Ask the parent questions. What things tend to set them off? How do you calm them down when they get upset? Sometimes you have parents who don’t want their child singled out, and that’s understandable.  Still assign an extra person to the room, on the sly, to be a “guardian angel”, keeping an eye on things from a distance and intervening only when necessary. The last thing you need the Sunday School teacher worrying about is having one panicked child make a break from his unfamiliar surroundings and then having to leave the other kiddos to chase him down.  Larger churches have armies of volunteers to be buddies, but a small church will not have 65 ASD kids converging on your church at one time. Generally, it’s just one, maybe two. Our family is definitely the exception to the norm!

Ask what you can do to help (and follow through!)

The absolute best thing you can do to show a special needs family that you care is to ask how you can help.  I’m not going to sugar-coat it, this is a hard life. Parenting is hard no matter who you are, but special needs parenting is parenting on steroids.  It’s really easy to lose yourself as a person and as a married couple when you’re so focused on the needs of your children. ASD parenting, as well as most special needs parenting, is a whole lot of therapies, doctor’s appointments, IEP meetings, and sleepless nights.  Suddenly, you get to 10:00 at night, you’re utterly exhausted, and you realize you’ve barely said two sentences to your spouse that aren’t, “Bathtime is your turn,” or “Did Speedy get his inhalers?”. Offer to watch the kids for an hour or two and let Mom and Dad get a cup of coffee or go to Salsarita’s, just the two of them.  They desperately need the time to reconnect and remember who they are as a couple. Offer to make dinner (check about food allergies first) and bring it over. Bring your kids for a playdate. Trust me, that is the greatest thing you can do for your kids, and theirs. Teach your kids early on that kids who are different from them can still be great friends.  Ask questions and have the parents tell their story. If they’re anything like me, they’ll love that you’re making an effort to understand.

It’s simple, but not easy

To be perfectly honest, all special needs parents are looking for is a church that can say, “We love you, we love your children, and you’re safe here.  What can we do to minister to your family?” Most ASD families don’t even attempt to go to church because they’re afraid. Afraid of judgment, intolerance, insensitivity, and stigma.  Shouldn’t our churches be safe places for the disabled? I have so many more thoughts on this issue, but I’ll leave it for now. What about you? What would you like to see happen in your church in regards to special needs folks?  Let me know in the comments!