Hi, again! Today I’m pulling out some material that I went over in my very first (and only!) Facebook Live. I’d like to talk about some things I think any church can do that don’t require very much in the way of financial resources or personnel in order to be more accommodating to special needs families.
Church culture in today’s society
A lot of church folks are unaware of how drastically the culture is shifting in regards to special needs folks. I’m not just talking about autism, although that is fast becoming the highest per capita disability in our country with a ratio somewhere around 1 in 59 children being diagnosed with some form of ASD. And I’m not just talking about children’s ministry, although that’s where I tend to focus because that’s my wheelhouse right now. As of 2017, 12.6% of the American population is reported to have some sort of disability, and that’s not counting people in institutions like nursing homes or mental hospitals, or children under the age of 5. Crash and Speedy would not be included in those numbers, or any of the children in special needs Pre-K programs across the country. But for some reason, churches still seem to think that individuals with special needs are the exception rather than the norm, and with a percentage as high as 12.6%, I’d say that it’s time to normalize disability in our churches.
Time to step up
So with that in mind, I wanted to share 4 things that I think any church can do to make themselves more accessible to families with special needs. By accessible, I’m not necessarily talking about wheelchair ramps and elevators, although that’s important, but more along the lines of accommodating and welcoming to the entire family.
Address your philosophy concerning special needs families directly on your website
One of the first things a prospective special needs family is going to do is check the website to see what is already in place for their family member. If you have an established ministry/policy/philosophy/thingy in place, make it obvious. When looking to visit a church in the past, that’s the first thing we’d do, and if there was nothing on the website, we didn’t go there. Not only were we unsure if the church would know how to handle our particular circus, but we also couldn’t be sure we’d even be welcome there. And no, that’s not overly dramatic of us. We’re fortunate that our guys are relatively compliant and aren’t terribly prone to meltdowns, but not everyone is that lucky. There are stigmas that accompany autism no matter what we do, and churches exist that will- and have- told us, “No, we don’t have a ministry like that. Try Thus-and-such Church down the street.” Translated: “We can’t handle/don’t want you here. Go somewhere else.” Church leadership, hear me. That is a monumental rejection, not a recommendation. If you don’t have a special needs policy addressed on your website, that needs to be a priority. Prayerfully consider what you would say and do if and when a family with special needs comes to your church. Think about that 12.5% of the American population and ask yourself if they are a people group you are responsible for reaching. The answer is yes, you are.
Have a predetermined “quiet space” for sensory breaks
At larger churches with well-established special needs ministries for children, it’s common to see large, well-planned sensory rooms, probably assembled with the help of an occupational therapist. That’s great and very helpful, but smaller churches don’t need to think that these kinds of rooms are the only way to get an over-stimulated child to regulate. Often, a quiet, dim place away from all the chaos of Sunday School or the noise of worship is all they need. An unused Sunday School classroom, the empty fellowship hall, and even a quiet alcove near the church office will work. Frequently, the child comes with a favorite item that helps calm them, but having a small bin of sensory items that can be moved from place to place would still be a good idea. Play-doh, silly putty, stress balls, a fidget cube…These are all things that are easy to find and relatively inexpensive. A yoga ball is generally a very regulating item if you have somewhere to keep it. If it is ok with the parents, take them out to an empty playground. The important thing is to have a plan. Which brings me to the next point.
Designate one or two volunteers to be “on call” for Sunday School
Especially on the first Sunday, it’s important to have someone designated to keep an eye on the visiting child. This is especially important if the child is ASD. Ask the parents if they would like their child to have a buddy to hang out with during Sunday School. The buddy should be old enough to be responsible for a child younger than they are and be able to recognize some of the signs of when the child becomes over-stimulated. Ask the parent questions. What things tend to set them off? How do you calm them down when they get upset? Sometimes you have parents who don’t want their child singled out, and that’s understandable. Still assign an extra person to the room, on the sly, to be a “guardian angel”, keeping an eye on things from a distance and intervening only when necessary. The last thing you need the Sunday School teacher worrying about is having one panicked child make a break from his unfamiliar surroundings and then having to leave the other kiddos to chase him down. Larger churches have armies of volunteers to be buddies, but a small church will not have 65 ASD kids converging on your church at one time. Generally, it’s just one, maybe two. Our family is definitely the exception to the norm!
Ask what you can do to help (and follow through!)
The absolute best thing you can do to show a special needs family that you care is to ask how you can help. I’m not going to sugar-coat it, this is a hard life. Parenting is hard no matter who you are, but special needs parenting is parenting on steroids. It’s really easy to lose yourself as a person and as a married couple when you’re so focused on the needs of your children. ASD parenting, as well as most special needs parenting, is a whole lot of therapies, doctor’s appointments, IEP meetings, and sleepless nights. Suddenly, you get to 10:00 at night, you’re utterly exhausted, and you realize you’ve barely said two sentences to your spouse that aren’t, “Bathtime is your turn,” or “Did Speedy get his inhalers?”. Offer to watch the kids for an hour or two and let Mom and Dad get a cup of coffee or go to Salsarita’s, just the two of them. They desperately need the time to reconnect and remember who they are as a couple. Offer to make dinner (check about food allergies first) and bring it over. Bring your kids for a playdate. Trust me, that is the greatest thing you can do for your kids, and theirs. Teach your kids early on that kids who are different from them can still be great friends. Ask questions and have the parents tell their story. If they’re anything like me, they’ll love that you’re making an effort to understand.
It’s simple, but not easy
To be perfectly honest, all special needs parents are looking for is a church that can say, “We love you, we love your children, and you’re safe here. What can we do to minister to your family?” Most ASD families don’t even attempt to go to church because they’re afraid. Afraid of judgment, intolerance, insensitivity, and stigma. Shouldn’t our churches be safe places for the disabled? I have so many more thoughts on this issue, but I’ll leave it for now. What about you? What would you like to see happen in your church in regards to special needs folks? Let me know in the comments!
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